It was interesting to me to hear about a study my professor gave in class. He said that 70% of divorces couples believe that they could have saved their marriages, and that they should have. This amazed and shocked me! I also took a lesson from it being, that I need to always be wise and cautious in my decisions. Some of the predictors of divorce are if your parents were divorced, if one cohabitants, not being well educated, as well as others. It was interested me that one's more likely to divorce if their parents did. This is because children from a divorced home haven't seen a healthy marriage work. They are just following after their parents behaviors. One of the protectors for divorce is wise dating. The 3-p dating, of planned, paid for and paired off. As we also talked about remarriage and my teacher said that in a blended/remarried household it should take at least two years to react normalcy. I think that blended families often forget this, and it leads to more problems such as the step parent feeling like a failure. Also in the first couple years of remarriage the bioparent should do all the heavy discipline and the step-parent should play the role of an involved aunt or uncle. This is because a child is not going to react well to a stranger or someone they have not grown up with telling them what to do. Divorce and remarriage can be extremely hard but it is possible to get through the rough spots it just takes time. And if at all possible do everything you can to not get divorced because it is so very hard on the children.
"The purpose of parenting is to protect and prepare our children to survive and thrive in the world they're going to live in." -Popkins. Parenting is so very important! Parenting is a sacred duty and obligation that we have been given. As we've discussed parenting I've decided that I want to be an active parent, which is a parent that is involved but not to overbearing, who lets their children learn from their own experiences but is not a doormat. When I discipline my children I want to remember what the root of that word is and what it means. The root of the word discipline is disciple, which means to teach. I want to teach my children and help them do better, instead of them seeing it in the way that I'm punishing them. I think it's good to give children responsibility, because than it gives them choices and also helps them to understand their consequences. I always want to be respectful to my children. Children need contact and belonging. If I'm not open, loving, respectful and encouraging, than I'm failing my children. I want to allow the natural consequences to happen to my children (if they aren't dangerous, or effects other safety). I think that this allows them to learn quicker and remember longer. When I have to set a consequence it needs to be logical, and I want to involve my children in deciding what it should be, so that they understand and agree that it's fair, although they'll know that I still have the final say. Also, I want to incorporate into my future parenting is to respond and not react. If I react in the moment out of emotion than likely I'll regret it later, and my children won't want to confide in me when they have really hard situations, because they wouldn't want to tell me out of fear that I will freak out on them. I hope that I will really, truly apply these things when I become a parent. I know that as I live like the Savior would and ask for divine help that Heavenly Father will help me and my husband to raise our children the way He would want us to.
In my mind it is so important for the father to provide in the home, and for the mother to stay at home and help to teach, and nurture the children. This is not to say the it is bad if the mother has to go to work to help provide. But it interested me to hear about a study done on dual-earner household. The study said something on the lines of, the father was earned about $42,000 working about 45 hours a week. To help with the cost of living the mother went to work for about 38 hours a week and earned around $21,000 a year... So you'd think that they'd increased there income right...? Actually, once they took out all of the additional expenses of the mother not being in the home, the family's total income was $40,500. That means that it was costing them $1500 to just have the mother go to work. The sad thing is that most families don't realize this, and are losing out on that precious time that could be spent with the family. I believe that finances don't only have to do with the father that provides, but that the mother also plays a huge role. We talked about some great ways to finance your money in class. One thing that we referred to was "One for the Money" By Elder Marvin J. Ashton. He has some amazing ideas for family finances! A couple of points that I really liked were to, pay an honest tithe, and to always have a budget. I really want to apply these in my future family as well as all the other aspects he talked about. Debt elimination, teaching family/children how to work and earn money wisely...etc. I know that if I follow the counsel from the pamphlet that I will be able to help with the finances in my future family, and that's exciting to me!
We are always communicating! Whether we use words or not. We communicate in so many different ways. We communicate through words, tones, non-verbal cues, facial expressions eye contact as well as other forms. Communication is so hard because often we don't clearly state what we really mean and feel. We have this process of taking our thoughts and feelings and encoding them so that others can understand. These encoded thoughts get sent through a form of media which could be our words, tones, or non-verbals. Then the person is responsible to decode them. When we think we've decoded their thoughts and feelings correctly we should check just to make sure... "So is this what you meant when you said...?" Or "Am I understanding you correctly?" The problem is often times we forget or neglect to do this, and misunderstand whatever has been said. I thinks it was one of the prophets or apostles for the church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints said, "We should communicate so clearly not only to be understood, but not to be misunderstood." In a family clear communication is so important. Feeling can be hard so easily. I want to become a better listener, and communicator. To be able to make sure that I am being clearly understood, and that I am clearly understanding. By working towards this, I think that a lot of problems will be solved or never turn into a problem in my life.
When a crisis strikes, how do I act? As we’d talked about different ways that we cope with and think about crises, I’ve been able to cognitively shape how I want to deal and react to crisis. We talked about how crises can pull families apart, or on the other hand draw them together and make them stronger in the end. I want to be the glue of my family. When things get hard I want to keep us together, to reach out and draw my family closer. Often times while going through a crisis, I can only see myself, and focus on my needs, when what I really should be doing is focusing on those around me who need my help. Just as the Savior said in Matthew 10:39 “He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.” When going through crisis if I can lose myself in helping others than I will be able to become happier and find myself more readily. We’ve also talked about our cognitions, and how they can really affect us. It amazes me how our brain works. Our brains will believe anything we tell it. That’s why it’s so important to recognize and be aware of untrue thoughts. If we think about a crisis in a negative way, we become down and see everything in that way. It’s important to replace those untrue thoughts with more positive and truer thoughts. As crisis hits I want to be ready for it. I want to be able to think clearly and recognize that it will get better eventually. What a powerful tool we all have, our brains. If we just think about the situation in a positive way, we will have power to pull through.
As we talked about sexual intimacy and family life I saw intimacy in a different way. In media sexual relationships are portrayed as something that’s fun and harmless, you just can’t help it, and that it’s no big deal to become involved with someone you’re attracted to. This is all wrong! Intercourse between a husband and wife is a sacred thing, and it should only be done between a married couple! It is a bonding experience, as well as a sacred spiritual experience. Our brain give off three different hormones serotonin which makes us happy, dopamine which excites us, and oxytocin which is a bonding hormone. So if done in the wrong context or wrong time in life, it can be emotional and mentally damaging. Also through this lesson I decided I might just want to homeschool my children while they’re young. Sex education in schools teaches children about their anatomy, contraception and how to prevent disease. They teach how to have “safe-sex.” However, by teaching about contraception and safe sex that insinuates that sex is okay. They don’t teach about the emotional or spiritual side to having sex. As I become a parent I want to teach my children about the relationships part, as well as the sexual. I don’t believe you can teach about sex adequately without teaching about the spiritual aspect. I think that we have a big problem in today’s world, where parents aren’t involved enough with what their children are learning. If I as a parent don’t teach my children correctly, than the media and my children’s peers will teach them incorrectly.
As we talked in class I never realized how many adjustments there will be when I get married. But through becoming aware of some of these adjustments I feel a little more prepared for marriage. I never realized how much your social life changes. Boundaries are put up and you no longer hang out with friends as much, your spouse is your number one priority. Your spouse even takes priority over your family, with is the way it's suppose to be. All of a sudden all of your disappointments, problems, and discouraged feelings become each others to deal with. As a couple you need to make decisions together, learn how to resolve arguments and be able to compromise with each other. I know I wont be perfect when it come to marriage, but I'm excited to grow and learn with my future spouse. I believe that he will help strengthen some of my weaknesses, and that I will be able to strengthen some of his as well.
Growing up I always had this picture in my head that when I turned 16 I would start dating, and go on lot of dates with lots of different guys. As I turned 16 I found out that that wasn't the case. Dating has been replaced with hanging out and anymore dating means that you have a "significant other" that you do everything with. In class we talked about how people aren't dating right. We often just find someone that we like and just "date them till we hate them." The right way to date should be a variety of people with a variety of activities. The whole point of dating is to figure out what you want in your future spouse, but when we date exclusively we lose out on that learning experience. Another really important part of dating is for the guy to learn and practice his future roles as a father and a husband in the home. These are to Provide, Preside, and to Protect. A date should be Planned, Paid for, and Paired off and if a guy is doing these things on a date he is getting practice for his future family. It's my job to encourage and be meek and kind on a date so that I also get to practice my future role as a nurturer in the home. So my thoughts from all this... Lets start dating the right way again!!! Learning about how same sex attraction has fascinated me. A large number of guys that consider themselves to be gay have been sexually molested, and most of them said that it was after that experience that they “realized they were gay” because they responded to that. That is so sad to me that people that are sexually abuse would decide that they were gay because their bodies responded to that. I think our bodies naturally respond to sexual things, so when they’re abused and used the wrong way that is just sad. That's one of the reasons why we are told not to look at pornography, because it sexually arouses our bodies and our bodies respond . Another thing that interested me was that boys who don’t have a good relationship with there father and have an overbearing mother, want that male relationship in their lives and decide they’re gay because of that. I have a brother who would rather do arts and crafts, than to go shoot a gun, hunt or playing football with my dad and other brothers. Because he doesn’t like doing what my dad think he should do as a boy, their relationship is not very good and it just makes me sad and worried that he will be teased and told he gay at school, when in reality he is bright, intelligent and creative but just doesn’t love doing manly stuff. This makes me so grateful for the atonement that we have and that with the Savior’s help all things are possible. I think that if someone is gay, they can overcome it, although it may be extremely hard. I’ve heard of several stories in which gay men said they were gay, but after a lot of pray and hard work they were able to overcome it and are now married and have a beautiful family. Fortunately, I don’t personally know what it’s like to struggle with same sex attraction but I know it would definitely be hard.
In class this last week, we talked about social classes. My teacher posed the question of whether we thought that our family's social class affected our aspirations, achievements, expectations or interaction with the community? As I was thought about this question I came to the conclusion, that yes it did! I grew up in a middle to lower class family. Things have always seemed to be tight in my family, but we have always had enough to take care of our needs. I realized that this has affected what I want for my family in the future. I have this aspiration to do better for my family. But just because I want to be well off, doesn't mean that I will give my children everything they want. I have learned how to work hard through having to get a job, and to paid for things that were most important to me in life. I wouldn't change that for the world. I feel like having to learn this skill of hard work has helped shaped the person that I am today. Also, I think that I see the world in a more realistic ways, than some other young adults my age who have had everything given to them throughout their lives. Overall I think that yes, our social class affects what kind of person we will become, but I believe that our family's social class does not permanently affect what social class we will be in for life. With hard work, we can achieve whatever standing in this world that we want to achieve, just as long as we remember that it's made possible through the help of our loving Heavenly Father.
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AuthorWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. Archives
April 2013
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